What to Say When You Know Something’s Off
In most organizations, the hardest part of solving a problem isn’t identifying it. It’s saying it out loud in a way people can hear.
Naming what’s not working takes skill. Done poorly, it sounds like blame. Done well, it opens a conversation that might not have been possible otherwise.
In healthy teams, some friction is normal—it’s the energy that drives growth and innovation. But there’s another kind of friction that doesn’t create momentum; it creates drag. Decisions stall. Communication loops. People start to hold back what they really think because honesty feels unsafe.
That’s usually when leaders start to sense it: something in the system isn’t working, but no one can—or will—say what it is.
The solution isn’t to smooth over the tension. It’s to name it—with care, precision, and curiosity.
The Difference Between Truth and Blame
Many people avoid naming what’s not working because they equate truth-telling with accusation. If naming a problem sounds like:
“You dropped the ball.”
“This is your fault.”
“You’re not capable.”
—then silence seems like the kinder choice.
But truth-telling doesn’t have to sound like blame. It can sound like this:
“This system isn’t producing the results we need.”
“This pattern keeps showing up in different forms.”
“This structure makes it hard for people to succeed.”
“This policy seems to be having unintended effects.”
The focus shifts from who to what. From accusation to observation.
The Framework: I Notice / I Wonder / I Need
This three-part framework helps turn difficult observations into productive conversations.
I notice… (observation)
I wonder… (curiosity)
I need… (request)
I Notice — Describe What You See
State what you’re observing, not what you’re interpreting.
Good examples:
“I notice we’ve revisited this same decision three times.”
“I notice project deadlines have shifted four times in two months.”
“I notice five people have left this team in the past quarter.”
Test: Could a camera capture it? If yes, it’s an observation. If no, it’s an interpretation.
I Wonder — Open Curiosity
Ask questions that invite dialogue instead of judgment.
Good examples:
“I wonder if there’s something systemic making it hard to meet deadlines.”
“I wonder if we’re clear on who’s making the decision.”
“I wonder if the process itself is creating bottlenecks.”
Test: Are you genuinely curious about the answer, or are you making a point disguised as a question?
I Need — Name a Specific Request
End with a clear, actionable need that helps move things forward.
Good examples:
“I need clarity on the decision-making process.”
“I need us to pause and name what’s happening before we continue.”
“I need to understand the constraints we’re working within.”
Test: Can someone realistically act on this request? If not, refine it.
What It Sounds Like in Practice
Example 1: Decisions Keep Changing
Instead of:
“No one knows what’s going on. Leadership keeps changing their mind.”
Try:
“I notice the project scope has changed three times in the past month. I wonder if there’s information coming in that the team isn’t seeing. I need to understand what’s driving the changes so we can plan more effectively.”
Example 2: One Person Dominates Meetings
Instead of:
“Alex never lets anyone else talk.”
Try:
“I notice in the last three meetings, one person has spoken for most of the time. I wonder if we need a structure that helps more voices get heard. I need us to try a facilitation approach that balances participation.”
Example 3: A Policy Is Slowing Work
Instead of:
“This process is ridiculous. Whoever made this clearly doesn’t get it.”
Try:
“I notice the new approval process adds two to three days to every decision. I wonder if the goal was risk reduction, but the result is creating bottlenecks. I need us to revisit whether this policy is achieving its purpose.”
When Power Dynamics Complicate the Truth
Speaking up always depends on power and safety. If you have less authority, assess the risk honestly: Is there a history of retaliation? Are there safe channels or allies? What’s the realistic worst outcome?
If it feels unsafe, collective voice or external facilitation may be better than going solo. And if the system can’t hear truth, that’s information too.
If you have more power, your role is to make honesty safer:
- Invite candor: “I need you to tell me what’s not working, even if it’s hard to hear.”
- Model it: “I realize I dominated that meeting. What did I miss by talking so much?”
- Protect it: “Thank you for naming that. Let’s stay with it for a minute.”
Receiving Truth Well
When someone uses this framework with you:
- Pause before responding. The urge to explain is natural—and rarely helpful.
- Thank them. “Thank you for naming that. I know that takes courage.”
- Ask to understand. “Can you say a bit more about what you noticed?”
- Acknowledge what’s true. “You’re right that I did interrupt.”
- Commit to a next step. “I’ll adjust how I facilitate next time.”
Listening is the highest form of accountability.
Practice Before It’s High-Stakes
The best time to practice naming what’s not working isn’t during a crisis. It’s during routine interactions when the stakes are low.
In a meeting:
“I notice we’re ten minutes in and haven’t clarified the decision we’re making. I wonder if we should start there. I need us to confirm our purpose for this meeting.”
With a colleague:
“I notice I’ve sent three messages about this without a reply. I wonder if email isn’t the right channel. I need to know if this should move or wait.”
Low stakes. Same framework. Stronger muscle for when it matters most.
Final Thought
The hardest part of organizational truth-telling isn’t knowing what’s wrong—it’s knowing how to say it so people can stay in the conversation. When truth becomes unsafe, trust erodes quietly. When people can speak honestly, trust grows faster than any team-building exercise could manufacture.
Truth-telling, done well, isn’t about courage or confrontation. It’s about structure—language that makes honesty usable.
I notice.
I wonder.
I need.
Three small sentences. One powerful practice.
Learn more about designing psychologically safe systems for honest conversation at humanrepair.org or contact hello@humanrepair.org.
